


Revelation

by ViceCaptain



Series: You're my head You're my heart [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-24
Updated: 2012-03-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 11:08:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViceCaptain/pseuds/ViceCaptain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The only things he was capable to do were observe and think and he did neither one nor the other. Suddenly it was like as a device started working, the knowledge hit him like if the sky fell on him…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revelation

**Author's Note:**

> As for the previous one, this was translated from italian, so if you find out mistakes or anything else, please let me know. Thank you so very much

Sherlock expected it to be much more difficult. He feared many things would have change, rather he was convinced many things would have change.  
But, surprisingly, their cohabitation hadn’t changed, the only different thing was that now they slept together and they had sex… No, that wasn’t the exact word.  
They made love, that was the right term. Both learning things they didn’t know and they never did before. In different ways, different positions, for different causes… But with one and only motivator: love.

And if so little was changed from when they didn’t know about their feelings, that meant they already loved each other for long time before.  
Quite disappointing noticing that the most brilliant consulting detective of, well, all times and his “empathic colleague” had needed so much time and a presumed death to get it. And now there they were again, to their old life: deducing crimes, writing a blog about it and getting other cases.

But in that exact moment all was still, quiet and hideously peaceful. Almost boring. And yet, Sherlock wasn’t bored. That was an interesting fact, why with nothing to do, Mrs. Hudson swearing at her hip and John went to grocery shopping, wasn’t he bored? He had to retrace his reasoning, step by step and locate why he wasn’t bored…

-they almost called the police at the grocery! That bloody pay machine hates me!-  
John grumbled coming upstairs, Sherlock hardly heard him while he was lost in what could have pass in his mind from when he woke up that morning…  
The secret that could cast the boredom away was within his reach, what could that be?  
-Sherlock, are you ok?-  
-yes, I was just thinking- was the answer  
-great, are we on a case?-  
-no, we’re not-  
-oh, then are you bored?- his tone was quite surprised  
-no, I’m not. I’m thinking- 

Sherlock looked finally at him and John smiled kissing him on his lips. In fact, John was much more uninhibited than him in those fondness’ exchanges.  
Then he turned and went in the kitchen undoing the shop bags. Ah, there it was, the answer: he was not bored because he was thinking of John, of them and of their feelings. That meant that the distraction was over and the solution made him feel uneasy… he could just pass the time simply thinking of his beloved one and remembering the moments lived together, every time trying to recall the particulars he wasn’t capable to record on the moment because too caught by John, hours flew away while he examined physical and chemical reactions caused by those feelings in both of them and you would be quite surprised by the enormous variety of different reactions from person to person. All was so fascinating, but there were many fears that haunted Sherlock…

He could not show what he felt and made everybody think he was some kind of machine or cyborg, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel those sentiments.  
From when things got settled in that way the fear of being abandoned grew stronger. He was always afraid that one day John could get tired of him, of his unbearable character, of his abnormal way of relating to everything… That was the problem, he related himself in an abnormal way and now he knew, rather he was certain: he couldn’t ever get through John’s abandon. That thought was the scariest thing he ever experienced, even scarier than death.  
The guilt stung him when he remembered that abandoning John was exactly what he did in those three years. And that didn’t help his concern…

Sherlock got up from the sofa and went in the kitchen walking with nonchalance over the coffee table, John was arranging, he had turned the radio on to keep him company… effectively Sherlock lost in his thoughts wasn’t the most charming of the interlocutors. When John saw him coming to the kitchen he lowered the  volume of the radio, he didn’t want to bother his reasoning judging from his quick glance and the even quicker gesture of his hand

-oh, no, I’m not thinking now… well, actually yes. I mean, when does someone really stop thinking?-  
-is there something wrong?- John asked, slightly worried  
-no, I… why?-  
-you look concerned-

John was staring at him, his eyes reassuring, the voice quiet, he was sending the message “you can tell me everything you want”, Sherlock sighed and then took a sit at the table, John stood, arms crossed on his chest, resting with his shoulder on the fridge  
-I was just wondering when you will grow weary of… of all this-  
-and you wonder just now?-  
-no, I always did. But today it makes me feel more uneasy than usual-

John got closer and took Sherlock’s hands in his… John’s skin was tough and strong, delightfully warm, he cut himself opening the post that morning, the shop bags were heavy, probably he went shopping for Mrs. Huds…  
-Sherlock. I knew what would expect me when all this started. And it’s me who has to be concerned, I’ve an average mind like a countless number of people in this world… Just the same people that bore you so much-  
-you’re like no other-  
John smiled once again:-now you think so, but one day who knows?-  
-it’s you that had all those girlfriends, all dull and boring, but a wide number nonetheless-

John stared at him surprised:-oh, so now we have Sherlock Jealous Holmes, isn’t it? Do we have to play “the arguing couple” game? Fair enough-  
-you have nothing on me-  
-nothing but The Woman-  
-it’s totally different-  
-oh, no it isn’t. I wasn’t exactly at ease while you couldn’t deduce anything from her with vacant eyes, for the first time in your life, when you read anybody else like an open book. This makes her special, doesn’t it?-  
Sherlock sighed:-it’s true, that was the first time it happened to me. But who cares? I mean, she actually was the woman who beat me. Once. You’re different-

He stopped talking just to close his eyes for few seconds, to rearrange his thoughts, to find the right words, then he started again:-I do read you like an open book, but a book I never get tired of reading-  
John was speechless for a moment, could those words still have some effect on him? Yes, they could if it was Sherlock’s mouth to pronounce them  
-so, if I will grow weary you will know it before me, as always, and certainly you will be able to make me change my mind or make me do what you want… You always do that-this time Sherlock smiled too:-don’t tell anyone how I look stupid when I do this kind of questions, would you?-  
-not even a word-

John went back to rearrange the grocery shopping  
-what were you listening at, anyway?- Sherlock asked  
-Cabin Pressure, it’s very funny- John put up the volume so he could hear:-I like this character, his voice reminds me of you… Well, yes, he reminds me of you-  
-are you joking? He’s just a complaining kid!-  
-exactly- John looked at him from over his shoulder, Sherlock smiled challenged and said:-it is funny, I concede it. But really, a poor guy that never wins, isn’t capable of establish any leadership whatsoever even if he is the captain, ill-treated by his subordinates… what this remind me of? Ah, right, Lestrade-  
-Sherlock- John ranted  
-come on! You thought it too-  
-just a bit- John giggled, finished with the grocery shopping he went in the living room gesturing toward Sherlock to follow him, he sat on the sofa and Sherlock curled against him

-speaking of Lestrade, any call?-  
-no, all calm and still-  
-you have had a case not so long ago, it’s quite good considering you are just came back-  
Sherlock scoffed:-and how does this help fight the boredom?-  
-it doesn’t, but if for entertain that frightening brain of yours you end up like the last time…- John tried to retort  
-we already talked of it, it was nothing serious, just low sugar-  
-Because you didn’t eat, maybe?-  
-I just passed out- said Sherlock with a shrug  
-that happens often, it seems-  
-and that’s why I live with a doctor-  
-Sherlock, I’m serious-  
-so am I-

John sighed patiently:-I’m just concerned… shouldn’t I be?-  
-no, you shouldn’t, use that brain part for something more useful-  
John embraced him:-strange things happen when you pass out-  
-sure. Seas tear apart and the earth’s axis inverts-  
John cleared his throat and stared at him, his gaze lowered and a brow arched… he could mean two things: or he was being sarcastic or he was talking about sex. He cleared his throat once again. It was about sex then.

Sherlock was totally clueless about the connection between sex and he passing out because he hadn’t a proper meal. Ah, maybe he got it… no, absolutely not.  
-so? Could you help me follow the reasoning?-  
-I could sound strange…- John started reluctantly and then stopped  
-lucky for you you’re talking with… What’s the exact term Donovan always use? The freak-  
-ok… ehm… when you pass out or something like that I find you… ehm… sexy. That’s it-

Sherlock looked at him, initially emotionless, giving the time to his brain to record every word and give it the right meaning, then he turned surprised:-really?-  
John flushed violently:-yes, really- Sherlock started to think furiously…  
-Sherlock-  
-I’m thinking-  
-of what? Look, that is totally unnecessary. I told you just for fairness. I wasn’t trying to convince you do some weird and dangerous fantasy-

If that could be possible, John was even more flushed, he was adorable when embarrassed and Sherlock enjoyed watching him in that estate, normally it was him which was unsure or uneasy about the life together.  
–Sherlock!- he called again  
-yes, John, I’ve got it. Can I daydream at least? Is that allowed?-  
-I don’t trust you-  
-come on, how old you think I am?-

John seemed to relax… a bit. Sherlock went back to his lucubration, he found out an interesting data and he liked the idea too, why not? He noticed that when he passed out he obviously lost track of his thoughts, the brain stopped thinking to start again suddenly, messily, when he woke up. It was like make it tremble, shake it from the basement. And he liked it. It was weird, twisted, maybe even perverted, but he liked it. Not that he passed out on purpose only to feel it, but when it happened he had the chance to confirm that it was pleasant. For him at least.

He didn’t tell it to John, it was not so easy for him to talk about “some topics” and, as it seemed, neither for his lover was that easy, but Sherlock noticed, with a certain amount of self pleasure, that he was able to made John confess all those things that made him blush, those little secrets and John never regretted telling him. Maybe he could do one of his experiments… but for the first time in his life Sherlock thought it wasn’t fair in John regard, he was always so willing to go towards him, he was so patient and Sherlock had already abused of that patience enough.

He came to think again about his false death, how much did he make him suffer? The guilt was demolishing, every time he felt it he regretted that he wasn’t heartless as he tried to show himself. For three years John was alone believing Sherlock was dead, if was Sherlock to take John’s place… oh, wonderful, now he was thinking about being in somebody else’s shoes!  
No, not somebody else... But John. The idea he made him suffer so much didn’t let Sherlock sleep.

At that point he would have done anything to repair what he did. If John asked him not to do something because he was concerned, for once he could not do it. Even if that thing was for both of them…

John was dozing and he woke up when Sherlock stopped thinking. John kissed him, tenderly. The wrinkles on his face were deeper after the Fall, he was scarred and, whether he likes it or not, Sherlock had noticed everything he went through, from the depression to the booze. They hadn’t talked about that period and he was scared by doing it, scared of bringing back inerasable memories, scared of facing what he had done, of seeing in John’s eyes his suffer, of realizing that he inflicted John the biggest pain in his life.

Because that was the fact, wasn’t it? He did it for his safety, what a noble motivator, but inside John the pain remained and, perhaps, in that extreme act there was a certain amount of selfishness. Actually the only one who is able to make your heart bleed is the one you love and god knows if John loved Sherlock, he could read it in every glance, gesture or word. Sherlock was the one who had hurt John the most and now he kissed him, touched him, held him in his arms, but it was like as he was crushing him in razor wire while John flooded him with his feelings, with every his act that seemed to spread in the air “love love love”.

“well done” Sherlock thought “you realize it just now that you’re back and you’ve told him what you feel, making him even more tied to you…” extremely selfish. If he was gone from his life John would have managed to forget him, he would have gone through all that pain and he would have started a new life…  
why didn’t he did so? First he was ready to sacrifice himself for John and then he couldn’t bear staying without him. Once again, so extremely goddamn selfish. Sherlock did all this without thinking that probably he was going to meet other enemies, John would have been in danger again, he could have to leave him again for his sake and at that point the separation would be even more excruciating.   
Sherlock. Without thinking. That was alarming: the only things he was capable to do were observe and think and he did neither one nor the other. Suddenly it was like as a device started working, the knowledge hit him like if the sky fell on him…

He had stupidly thought that everything was back like it was before, but nothing, nothing could be like before. In the silence of the living room, beneath John’s concerned stare, Sherlock’s eyes were filled by tears, it was like an open wound that widened quickly inside him. He never felt like that before, he never ever contemplated the possibility of harming so much the one he loved, the one he had used and abused. An agonizing pain overwhelmed him, an incoherent cacophony was all that had remained of his thoughts. The room had started to spin quickly and fade slowly, the voice couldn’t come out, he had to force it to murmur:-I am sorry… I am so sorry, John- but he couldn’t hear his own voice, suddenly all blackened and he couldn’t hear or see anything else.

 

***

 

The first thing he felt was the warm from John’s body that embraced him, tied him up, he hadn’t open the eyes yet, but he knew it was him, because that warm was only his and it seemed to whisper “I love you”.

The second thing he felt was his scent that filled his lungs when he took a deep breath.

The third thing was John’s heartbeat so near, so very near that he wasn’t able to distinguish his heartbeat from the one of his lover, and his breath, even his breath was reassuring in that absolute silence.

When Sherlock opened his eyes the first thing he saw was John’s face with his wrinkles, his thin lips, that concerned, confused, relieved gaze… he could fall in the deepness of it and his dark colour.

–are you ok?- his voice.

That’s the other thing he needed, every tone and facet, the accent, the timbre, he let all this cradle him while he was weighing up every inflection before nodding lightly.

John held him tight and another wave of information went straight to his brain, the intensity of the grip, his heart that beat harder and nearer, the warm more intense, his tense muscles tied all around him as a shelter, as they were saying “don’t go away”. 

That was perfection, all his thoughts and feelings overwhelmed by John.

–Sherlock, say something, please-  
-John… I want to feel you-  
He embraced him in return, breathing his scent deeply, John put away his questions, he wanted to ask so many things, Sherlock could read that on his face, but as he understood how many things John wanted to ask, he could feel how Sherlock needed him near, the nearest he could.

Sherlock put a hand on his chest, the heart beat proud, quick, almost fierce, despite all the wounds. He closed his eyes leaving it talk directly to him… and it spoke, it said how John was ready to love him no matter what, it said that if he was there beating in that man’s chest it was thank to Sherlock, it said that there wouldn’t be any start if he wasn’t came back.

Sherlock sought his mouth and then kissed it for long, as if his breath was depending on it, leaving its taste full his own mouth. Then John overtopped him, with his strong shoulders, his reassuring weight, deepening the kiss, the breath heavy and quick, the motions of their tongues more hungry and predatory, Sherlock’s hands sank under John’s sweater to feel that hot skin, in their moans there was a sudden urgency.

Sherlock was writhing beneath him, his body sending a clear message: “I want you… I want you so badly”, John could read it and was already thrusting against him, such strong and thriving thrusts… the desire became more pressing and they started to undress one another quickly, parting their lips the least they could.  
When they finally parted was because John had started to kiss Sherlock on every inch of skin, going down his jaw and then his neck that he arched leaving those lips make him shake, the touch of those lips sent shivers all over his body. Kisses, bites, his warm breath… it was like a heat storm moving and raging over him.

The sensations made him daze, he had so many things to say to John too, explain why he was literally collapsed before, put him in front of what was expecting him if he choose to stay with Sherlock, but he wasn’t able to put together one single thought, while he was sinking further in the pleasure he closed his eyes…  
-Sherlock- he whispered directly in his hear, causing more shivers:-stop thinking. Watch me, hear me, feel me and then tell me what you deduce-

When he opened his eyes John’s face was so close, Sherlock kissed him countless, every kiss was different from the previous one, his brain wanted to categorize all of them, analyze them and then save them in his memory, but connecting his synapses and unwinding his thoughts while John was loving him? Purely impossible.  
In those moments his mind succumbed to his body and he never thought it could be so pleasant, he loved the idea that he was always waiting for that man to let his mind follow his heart and body.

John kept on kissing going down, over his chest, the white skin was covered by red marks after his passage, how something banal as kissing or licking could become so intense and inebriating? There was no time for answer the question, because that heat storm was descending from his chest to his abdomen and then from his abdomen, in a stream of kisses and bites, to his cock…

Keeping on exploring with his hot tongue he tasted him, he could have asked Sherlock anything in that moment, he would have done it, John had him in his power, the brain floating confused between sensations, sounds, smells, images, but always in orbit round one thing: John.  
Sherlock’s body was trembling, as always when he was overwhelmed by feelings, he felt light and unstable like if he was made of clay and he was longing so frantically that it was John the one to mold him.

-what do you deduce?- he asked stopping the tease of his mouth.  
Sherlock’s blood was pulsing painfully in his veins, that was a little torture:-I… I am in your hands. Totally-  
John tasted him once more before parting from him and asking again:-what do you feel?-  
Sherlock moaned and almost whimpered when his mouth parted again:-I feel heat, pleasure, love… bewilderment-  
When John came back on his cock, he trembled even stronger, then John let slip two fingers inside him, with calculated slowness, exploring deeply, melting that man like snow in the sun…

Sherlock started to writhe as if he was trying to go toward that pleasure. John stopped suddenly and the other almost growled for that abrupt interruption, but then he groaned, almost cried, when John penetrated him unexpectedly.  
He was strong, nearly violent, for every thrust waves of pleasure veined of pain went through his spine, every nerve burning in that sensation, if thinking was hard before, now it was just impossible… with John digging so deeply inside him, with such strength and intensity that his sight was clouded, the only thing he was capable of was moaning, but for John it wasn’t enough…

He wasn’t just making love with him, he wanted Sherlock to understand something important, he was teaching him a lesson.  
John spoke again calling him back from the ocean of heat and chaos he was drowning in:-and now… what do you… deduce now, Sherlock?-  
He had to answer, he knew, but the only thing he could say was:-John… John, I… you…-

That was just too much, his hands clawed John’s shoulders, he could see his nails dug in his scar before his mind flight back in that storm and wasn’t able to record anything different than John inside him.  
–you don’t… understand… yet?- he stated… Sherlock stared in those deep blue eyes, he forced his brain to link all the information he had, all he felt, all he could see in those eyes… of course he understood.

He tried to suck as much air as he could to be capable of saying:-you and me… we…-  
He whined and started again:-you’re here for me… and I’m here for you… I came back to stay with you-  
He gripped more tightly to John:-and you stayed  to let me come back… you were waiting for me…-

There were no other words because both were hit and flustered by the pleasure climaxing, making them shake and cry.  
They kept their embrace, not moving from that position. John kissed Sherlock with tenderness and then he looked at him smiling:-you really are something, you pass out on purpose now?-  
Sherlock giggled:-it wasn’t my wish-

John sighed, the smile on his face but the concern and the patience in his eyes, the resignation:-I know why it happened. That’s why I wanted you to understand how much you are important to me… Because you don’t have even to think that it would be better if you went away and never came back. I know what it means being with you, I’ve already counted it-  
And yet Sherlock was amazed by John’s ability of letting him speechless, he was the only one capable to

-as it seems, when it comes to us I am more deducing than you, consulting detective-  
Sherlock smiled and then kissed him saying:-what I said before, I meant it: I came back to stay-  
-I know, that’s why I waited for you-

**Author's Note:**

> This ends the series for now, it could have a continuation if I'll feel like there is something else i want to say.


End file.
